It’s 3am and I cannot fall asleep. I’ve already lain in bed for 3 hours.
I woke up today rather moody due to the events of the previous day. My dad told me, “It’s over, I want to see your smile.” I cracked a false grin, for the melancholy fun of it. But I did get slowly less morose as the day passed by.
I was missing church to finish some important edits on the video. I’m not sure if was exactly the right thing to miss church to work on a video. I had planned to do a bit of morning quiet time, but in the end, I didn’t even have time to finish all I wanted to do on the video. A consequence of time used poorly in the previous weeks. In the end, the only time of Sabbath this Sunday, was going to be this evening at the TRACKERS graduation service.
As the computer started glitching on me, I kept screaming and I felt the outbursts of anger as the program kept quitting unexpectedly and I had not saved my work. Disillusioned with Macs now, lol. I started to realise that this wasn’t how I wanted to behave later at the graduation service.
‘Safe to Land’ by Jars of Clay (from their upcoming album) keeps playing in my head. Back to the mental iPod, now that the real one is gone…
Reading Psalms on the MRT which I had embarked a bit too late on (I had arranged to meet anyone free for lunch at 2pm, and I was 15 minutes behind time) was comforting and made me feel better. It was 25-26, I think. Because David’s psalms mirror his quiet times, in effect the emotional ups and downs of his life, it’s easy to relate to his psalms at corresponding times of your life.
Read a bit more I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris while on the train. I haven’t actually kissed Dating Hello yet, but the book’s helpful in reinforcing my recent epiphany to continue to stay unattached.
“Singleness is a gift from God to enjoy in our youth.” Amen.
Reached church at 2:15pm. I had met Jon Chan and Matthias on the train. We headed up to Faith Methodist Church after embarking at Commonwealth MRT station and apparently no one from my group was there, except Ying En who had already eaten.
I walked over to Commonwealth market. Duck noodle stall closed. Sian.
Walked to Koufu, and ate an austere meal of watercress soup with rice by myself. There’s something about simple food that made me reflect on how I’ve been savouring life so fully recently, but perhaps forgetting to enjoy the more mundane, unexciting things? Like taste, if we always eat rich food, soon plain food becomes bland. But even plain food has a flavour. Take time to let the soup play on your tongue, and even bitterness becomes enjoyable. A lesson I’ve learnt from food I can apply to my life. Especially right now, in the light of recent events.
Returning to FMC, I’m shocked to find out that some of my group members have been around all this time, walking around Koufu and the Commonwealth market trying to find me for lunch. Horror! I apologised profusely for my lateness. I feel handicapped without a handphone.
As I inform people of the absence of my handphone so they won’t call me at my mobile number, and I answer the ensuing question “Why?” with “it got stolen,” which prompts me to say the story of yesterday, I realise that I can tell the tale with less grumpiness and and more calmness. God’s helping to tone my emotions, it seemed.
I read a bit more of the Bible, appreciated the music of the rehearsal for worship (yeah, TRACKERS Rubber Band!), and for some reason almost started helping out in the AVA prep, since I had to pass my group’s graduation DVD to the AVA guys.
Worship began, and I started to eagerly enter it, having missed the opportunity to worship in the morning.
As the lyrics display glitched (technology can be so annoying) I realised I knew the lyrics anyway and closed my eyes. The worship became one of the most memorable worship experiences in my life.
My eyes became hot and tears were flowing out of my eyes. I cry during worship quite occasionally, but this was the most profuse. My cheeks were really wet but my cheeks had no feeling of how wet they were until I touched them with my hands. It was like fire on my eyes.
Eyes closed, I kept singing. At one point, I started to feel a sudden hunger for the Word, to want to read it! Something that was rather odd and exciting, considering how I’ve found it hard to sustain a full read of the Bible despite my love for reading itself. And also something I hoped would not go away.
At one point, I felt myself transcending my carnality. All my mortalness slipped away, and I felt spiritually free. After worship, when I opened my eyes, and started to reassume awareness of my surroundings again, I knew that I had been in a close encounter with God, intimate and liberating me, giving me a glimpse of how He will make us perfect in the end.
I thank God for the the musically gifted Trackers playing for worship tonight. They helped me worship the LORD with my whole heart, and it was one of the best experiences of my Christian life thus far.
And I mused, this is this what happens when you miss church service, and I got a double portion that night, making a fool out of myself bawling and probably singing out of tune. But after the first few minutes, I didn’t care anymore. The time spent personally with God was worth it.
Service ended with many inspiring words said last night. Pastor Kai Ming told us to not forget walking the journey of faith. Luke 9:23.
I talked to Joel, my mentor, and Jeremy, my brother, for a while. I was a little sad I didn’t see any of the members of the various cell groups I am and was involved in around. Then I was asked to pass some CDs to my entire team, and I was scooting around the hall trying to distribute them to everyone. Then the Mac adapter which had been borrowed and used for the service had not come with the rest of the electronics in the spectacle box which it was contained in, and some time was spent trying to retrieve it. In the end I didn’t get to talk much with my parents or anyone else I could have talked to, since they had already left.
I walked around and contributed to the various taupoks that were occurring. First PKM, then Pastor Reuben, then Jason. 
Some Trackers had already left, and I didn’t get to bid farewell to them.
And I ate about 6 curry puffs for dinner.
And most of the Trackers went for our post-grad ‘party’ (it was more like a chillout) at Timbre. First time there, good music, good but expensive food.
Near the end, as some left, I realised I didn’t know how say a proper goodbye.
I also realised I was too shy to hug anyone.
And I knew the missing would sink in soon.
Thank you, TRACKERS. It has been a wonderful experience.
My awesome group Lawoos! I will miss you all.
More group love!
Other Trackers!
Had to put this in.
My temporary (premissions) group Galatians!
Goodbye. You will all be missed. :’)
Goodbye, Hair! I will miss you.
